Man Arrested for Dressing as Santa, Peeking in Windows

Shitstain, OH — What started as a quiet Tuesday evening in this small Ohio town turned bizarre after multiple residents reported a man dressed as Santa Claus peeking into windows and aggressively shaking his dick at unsuspecting families.

Authorities confirmed the man in question is David Jenkins, 41, a local with a long history of “odd but mostly harmless” behavior. This week, however, Jenkins crossed the line from festive to felonious.

The Penis Clause

“He wasn’t saying anything, just… standing there. Staring. And then he’d shake his dick at us,” said Margaret Loudermilk, who spotted Jenkins through her living room blinds while watching reruns of NCIS. “It wasn’t even circumcised. It looked like it had been in his coat pocket for a week. Limp and weird.”

Witnesses described Jenkins as wearing a cheap Santa suit, missing the beard, with what appeared to be gym socks tucked into his boots. Some families said he tried to “ho-ho-ho” before abruptly breaking into a sprint and disappearing into nearby bushes.

Children in one household began crying when Jenkins allegedly tapped on the window while maintaining unblinking eye contact.

“It was the most disturbing Christmas-themed threat I’ve ever seen,” said Officer Tessa Morales. “He didn’t break any windows or make demands—just offered the himself silently, like it was… symbolic. We don’t know what it means yet. Frankly, we’re afraid to find out.”

A Call to Cousin Mike

When reached for comment, Jenkins’ cousin Mike was hesitant to speak but confirmed receiving a phone call from David shortly before the arrest.

“He called me all fired up and said, ‘You got no business with David!’ Then he hung up. That’s not even a full sentence,” said Mike, who was cooperative with police. “I told them, ‘I don’t want business with David. I was just eating chili.’”

Though Mike has faced some personal challenges, friends and neighbors insist he’s “a good guy” and not involved in Jenkins’ festive dick shaking rampage.

“He’s just trying to live his life,” said neighbor Doris Applewhite. “Let Mike eat his chili in peace.”

Jenkins in Custody

Jenkins was taken into custody late Tuesday night after officers found him crouched behind a decorative snowman in the front yard of the Morris family. He was still holding himself.

He faces charges of trespassing, disorderly conduct, and one count of vegetable-based intimidation.

When asked for a statement during intake, Jenkins reportedly growled, “You can’t arrest the Christmas spirit,” before breaking into a brief but off-key rendition of Jingle Bell Rock.

Police later confirmed Jenkins is currently undergoing evaluation and will remain in custody through the holiday season “until we can guarantee the town is free of dick shaking manics.”