Pool Hall Terrorized by “Fast Eddie” — Fugitive Hustler Smells Like Cat Pee and Swings a Mean Cue Stick

Browneye, KY — A quiet Tuesday night at The 8-Ball Emporium turned into chaos when a notorious pool hustler known only as “Fast Eddie” stormed into the local billiards hall, reeking of cat urine and brandishing a pool cue like it owed him money.

The man, described as “thin, twitchy, and aggressively confident for someone wearing Crocs,” reportedly challenged multiple patrons to games of 9-ball, talking trash and insisting on playing for “real stakes—none of this quarter-per-game nonsense.”

According to witnesses, Fast Eddie won three straight games against unsuspecting seniors before things took a violent turn.

“Then he just snapped.”

“Jimmy told him he had to pay for table time like everyone else,” said bartender Denise Lawton. “And Eddie said—and I quote—‘I pay in respect and broken egos.’ Then he just clocked Jimmy across the back with a pool stick.”

Jimmy, a beloved employee and part-time magician, is recovering and says he now flinches whenever he hears the sound of billiard balls breaking.

“I didn’t even see it coming,” Jimmy said from his recliner, holding an ice pack. “One second I’m telling him the hourly rate, and the next I’m tasting chalk and dignity.”

Eddie reportedly fled the scene shortly afterward, leaving behind nothing but a half-finished Schlitz and the unmistakable odor of concentrated cat pee. “We had to Febreze the whole back corner,” said Denise. “Twice.”

Who is Fast Eddie?

Longtime patrons say Fast Eddie is a legendary hustler who floats from town to town, luring players in with awkward form and the scent of regret. Rumors suggest he once beat a blind man in a double-or-nothing match and used the winnings to buy a ferret named Chaos.

“He’s like a ghost… if the ghost was rude and smelled like ammonia,” said regular customer Terry “Beard Scratch” Collins.

Reward Offered

In response to the incident, 8-Ball Emporium owner Wayne Duggins is offering a reward for any information leading to the arrest of Fast Eddie.

“We’re putting up a $40 cash reward, one small one-topping pizza, and a 50% discount on billiards for a week,” said Duggins. “We’ll even throw in a commemorative chalk cube if you help us take this cue-wielding lunatic off the streets.”

Authorities describe Fast Eddie as approximately 5’11”, wearing a faded “I Beat Cancer and All I Got Was This Shirt” tee, and emitting a strong feline-like aroma detectable from several feet away.

Public Urged to Stay Alert

Police advise residents not to approach Fast Eddie if spotted. “He’s considered extremely unpredictable and slightly slippery,” said Officer Roberta Salinas. “Also, we don’t want that smell in the squad cars again.”

Anyone with information is urged to contact the Browneye Police Department or report directly to The 8-Ball Emporium, where Wayne is now sleeping under the pool tables “just in case Eddie comes back for a rematch.”