Community on Edge as Man Sends Dick Pictures to Old Women on the Facebook

Suspect says he “doesn’t even have a dick,” but local HOA isn’t buying it.

SCROTUM RIDGE, FL — Residents of the quiet retirement community of Pumpkin Ridge were shaken this week after multiple elderly women reported receiving unsolicited dick photos via Facebook Messenger. The digital produce, which appears to have been photographed in various lighting and from increasingly dramatic angles, has left authorities confused and grandmothers “mildly offended and extremely confused.”

The primary suspect, identified only as “Joe”, is believed to be behind what one HOA official called “a vegetable-based psychological campaign of chaos.” Several women, including 82-year-old Beatrice Hobbins, say they received messages from Joe with captions like “You like this one?” and “This one’s freshly washed.”

“They weren’t even tasteful.”

“I opened the message thinking it was a Bible verse,” said Hobbins, clutching her pearls. “Instead, it was just… a dick. No context. Just laying there like it had something to prove.”

Another recipient, 76-year-old Wanda Krimp, was slightly more amused. “I mean, at my age, it’s been a while since anyone sent me anything remotely suggestive. But I was hoping for flowers. Not root vegetables.”

Local man David Jenkins, who first reported the phenomenon to neighborhood watch, told reporters: “I asked Joe what he was doing, and he just said, ‘I don’t even have a dick.’ Which, frankly, raises more questions than it answers.”

Is It a Joke? Or Something Far More Sinister?

Experts are divided on the motive. “It could be a prank, an avant-garde art project, or the early signs of a produce-based cult,” said community psychologist Dr. Lenora Tilling. “The important thing is, these dicks are not organic. I’ve seen the pixels.”

Authorities confirm the dick did not appear to be threatening, per se, but it was “awkwardly posed” and “sometimes shown next to measuring tapes.”

In an exclusive interview, Joe continued to deny any involvement. “I don’t even have a dick, it’s no bigger than an inch” he claimed while suspiciously holding a bottle of ranch dressing. “Besides, sending vegetable pictures isn’t even illegal. Yet.”

HOA Crackdown Imminent

Multiple Homeowners Associations across the county have launched investigations, citing potential violations of the “Unsolicited Produce Clause” buried in most community bylaws. One HOA president, Marge Fentley, is calling for a full digital dick pic ban: “If we allow dick pics, next it’s a violation of HOA rules. We have to draw the line somewhere and the HOA decides everything.”

Residents are encouraged to report any further dick pics or related activity and to disable Facebook message previews until the suspect is brought to justice—or at least unfriended.

In the Meantime:
Stay vigilant. Stay rooted. And if someone messages you a dick pic just remember:
Not all pics are sent with good intentions.